A Very Vaccinated Tree Lighting, Presented by Nordquist Health Solutions with Werner and Markovich
by Tony Werner and Katie Markovich
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MUSIC INTRO FX: NEWS MUSIC
MARKOVICH AND WERNER ARE MID-LAUGH/BANTER
Markovich: Welcome back to a very special holiday edition of Werner and Markovich in the morning, now going 17 years strong!
Werner: We’re back! We’re vaxxed. We’re taking it to the max.
Markovich: Before the break, we were talking vax experiences.
Werner: That’s right. We want to make this as not-scary as possible for your newly-eligible children, those awaiting boosters, and the 65% of our listeners who just, uh, didn’t get one in the first place.
Markovich: As you all know, my dear friend and family concierge doctor, channel 5’s “Hot Doc” Tristan Van Der Hoof, stopped by the house and gave the jab to both Geoffrey and me.
Werner: And after months and months of waiting at my neighborhood Rite Aid, I was finally able to snag an overflow dose of the good stuff.
Markovich: Did you have to do all that again for your second shot, Wern?
Werner: Oh no, I just got the one. And get this: instead of sending my vax Q-R code, they sent me a general admission ticket to a Fastball concert at the Ponte Verde Concert Hall in Florida?
Markovich: Well, that’s a perfect segue, because we have some big news about the tree lighting at the Oak Hills Mall this year.
Werner: That’s right, Katie. This year, Oak Hills Mall isn’t just hosting the Tree Lighting. It’s also now a vaccination and booster site! Thanks to their new corporate partner, Nordquist Health Systems, the Oak Hills Mall will allow you to eat, drink, and be vaccinated. You know what says Christmas to me?
Werner: Tinsel, candy canes, and two-factor authenticated digital record keeping.
Markovich: And if you’re like me, and you’re rushing to get all your shopping done, you’re in luck! Because the processing lines take a while. Upon arrival, you can check in with Nordquist Health Systems administrators, who will be dressed as Santa’s Elves.
Werner: You’ll think you’re at the North Pole. But you won’t be!
Markovch: And just because it’s a vax site doesn’t mean it won’t be special. Once it’s time for your vaccination, you’ll have the option to take a holiday snapshot with the big man himself.
Werner: That’s right. Paul Nordquist Jr. Is. Coming. To. The Norquist. Vaccination. Site.
Markovich: Want entertainment? No problem! While waiting to see if you have any adverse effects to the vaccine, you’ll be serenaded with holiday spirit by the St. Wenceslaus bell choir.
Werner: I hope they’re not mic’ed because they get loud. I went to one of their concerts and they just blew me out.
Markovich: After you’ve been cleared to leave by Dickensian-dressed Nordquist health technicians, you can stroll the mall and take in the holiday delights.
Werner: You might even witness a Christmas miracle, like the re-opening of Hollister!
Markovich: You can sip cider and shop for shorts. Like you’re on that cruise I took last year.
Werner: You went on a cruise last year?
Markovich: Well yeah, we weren’t going to miss our cruise!
Werner: Makes sense to me. But just remember, to comply with COVID precautions, there will be a strict 100-person limited capacity at the Oak Hills Mall.
Markovich: That’s right. Security will be monitoring ins and outs.
Werner: But don’t scram too soon. Because this vax site has prizes. Nordquist Health Sytems swag!
Markovich: License plate holders. Calendars.
Werner: I love it.
Markovich: Neck pillows. Tote bags. Frisbees.
Werner: I love it.
Marckovich: Hand sanitizer. And, something for the kids: reusable straws.
Werner: Any sweatshirts, by chance? Could use a few more layers what with the new radiators back at the bachelor pad. Two words: weak sauce.
Markovich: Doesn’t say, Tone!
Werner: Okay, once you have your shot. Once you have your gear. You’re free to exit through the newly renovated Sleep Number where there will be a special holiday event happening. You want to tell us some more about that?
Markovich: I just feel so blessed to get to share my new cookbook with you all: Dips, Quips, and Friendships, co-written with my dear friend, Dr. Tristan Van Der Hoof.
Werner: How about you and I put some time on the calendar and get to dipping?
Markovich: Sounds great, Tone. And how about all of our listeners put some time on their calendars for the 2021 Oak Hills Mall Tree Lighting and Vax Site.
Werner: Let me get through just a few disclaimers here. Nordquist Health Systems created their online database for use by local health jurisdictions to collect information, which will be used to schedule your vaccination appointment, identify you at the… Do I have to read all this?
Markovich: Is there a website?
SOUND F/X: PAPER MOVING.
Werner: This information is collected pursuant to Health and Safety Code sections 121050, 131050, and 141050. The information may be disclosed to a State Auditor…okay, what does THAT mean? You know what, this is way too long. I’m not reading this.
SOUND F/X: BANGING ON GLASS.
Werner: No, this is a four page document. I’m not reading it. They can go to the website.
Markovich: And you can go to the 2021 Oak Hills Mall Tree Lighting and Vax Site.
Markovich: I’m glad you put your foot down.
Werner: Look at this document. Look at this font size.
Markovich: I don’t even read anything like this. If it looks important, I give it to Geoffrey and he has an Associate look at it.
Werner: Have you seen that Nordquist swag?
Markovich: One word. Cheap. The pens don’t even work.
Werner: And the bags smell. I took one grocery shopping and it really funked up my bread. It tasted like plastic!
Markovich: I do instacart.
Werner: Yeah. Well. Throw that bag away, then.
Markovch: I’ll give it to one of the house keepers.
MUSIC FLOURISH. THE END.
1. Twelve Days of Christmas (Jingle Punks Version)
2. Joy to the World (Jingle Punks Version)
3. Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairies (include the following below)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
4. Jolly Old St Nicholas (instrumental) (E’s Jammy Jams Version)
Tony Werner and Katie Markovich
Werner and Markovich have been delighting audiences (and cranky commuters 😉 ) with their antics for years. They met when Werner was doing a freelance storm-chasing gig out of Wichita and Markovich was still on the pageant circuit in Ames (hosting… NOT competing). Together, they’ve hosted the Annual Easter Egg Hunt in the Gene Lahey Pavillion and a Telethon for Colorblind Dogs (raising over $1,500!). They recently collaborated on a holiday album, “Solstice.”